Laal suraj ko samandar mein khote dekha hai,
logon ko nafrat ke beej bote dekha hai,
Maut ke ehsaas se unchhuye hain hum abhi,
Magar zindagi ko khauf mein rote dekha hai...
Badhavaas hoke jab dard ki hawa chali,
Khoon se maang bhar ro rahi thi har gali,
Uss khaufnaak manzar mein bhi humne,
Zindagi ko maut se lipat kar sote dekha hai...
Dard ki chhekhein uthi, phir samaa shaant ho gaya,
Yun laga ki roshni ko andhere mein khote dekha hai...
Darr ka woh ek saaya tha,
Kan-kan mein jo samaya tha,
Tam ke iss saamrajya ka,
Jaise samraat naya aaya tha...
Iss taj-takht ke darmiyaan,
Khuda ko bechain hote dekha hai,
Maut ke ehsaas se unchhuye hain hum nahin,
Aur zindagi ko khauf mein hum sabne rote dekha hai...
2 comments:
I like :)
hmmmm
i liketh!
the thought is very nice. and i hope you'll allow me to be critical now.
first of all, thought is important, but craft is also.
so don't mix two languages, like shuddh hindi and shuddh urdu. either write in one or if you've to mix, talk in what i call hindustani. which is the language we speak in our daily lives without thinking of the hindi-urdu difference. but 'tam ka samrajya' aur 'taj-takht ke darmiyan' ka koi mel nahi hai.
second, when you are writing a poem, try following a neat and similar division of your various paragraphs. for example in a gazal, every thought is conveyed in a couplet, that is two lines. you won't see a gazal with varied couplet lengths! same with any other form, doha, kavita etc. but don't mix n match ur four liners with two liners. and if you do, then repeat the arrangement. it should not come off as an accidental one-off thing.
hope you won't mind this feedback. i said all of this, because i really liked what u wrote and felt that by not crafting it properly, you've done an injustice to yourself :)
take care and keep writing.
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